Those three little words you uttered under your breath meant more to me then any loud act you put on... they will be permanently engraved in my mind. For you to show emotion in such a way... I knew you were capable, but I never imagined you would tell me. That you would purposely make yourself vulnerable in such a way…were you expecting a reciprocal? So when I heard those words leave your lips, I felt a tingle run down my spine and moisture build up behind my lashes.
I wanted to be strong for myself, but most of all, I didn't want you to see me like this. I wanted to look strong in front of you. I wanted to feel strong for you.

I wanted to grip you by the waist as we were that moment and not let go. Because I loved you in that moment, and that sensation crept up on me like a million demote explosions of stars inside my soul. But mostly it was because, like most days, I never knew when it was going to be our last. What changed today, though, is that I could look forward to tomorrow. For the first time in a long time I felt I belonged with somebody...to somebody? And that someone belonged to me...even in the smallest percentage. This realization filled me with joy... but also a certain hint of anger. I had always been fond of you, been there for you. I would have held you if you needed it, even if it didn't seem that way. Why now? Why this emotion now? What's changed Mello? What's changed for you to feel this way...?

You kept me under your influence, always. In that moment I felt the almost written connection of love corresponded.


*****************************************

I keep thinking, maybe, you'll wake up and realize that you're making a fool of yourself... a sweet little fool; a dumbass, per se, by showing your emotions in this way.

My Mello, how you try to keep them concealed, shut down from the world to see. You always admired that in L, his ability to remain ambiguous, deceiving others. But you took to being duplicitous. You taught me and I followed. You said "No one should read how you really feel," yet I show you all the time... if only you saw. Your haziness is clear blue... how can such innocent eyes have witnessed so much? How can such delicate hands have induced so much pain? Do you feel these things as I do, Mello?

These sweet little hands. Ha, Mello, if only you could hear my thoughts, you would laugh, loud and clear. That sarcastic little laugh that echoes in my ear. It makes me smirk, Heh.

I feel a soft feathery stroke as your finger lifts my chin, and I get to look into the muddled clear of your eyes. You look so delicious now.

I know what your trying to do... to find. "I'm Okay" I say, still keeping my eyes attached to yours by an invisible thread of consciousness.

You join me in my grin and let your hand slip from my chin to my back. And when it gets to the lower part, softly forming a crease in my stripped shirt, you leave it there, resting, hesitantly. I can feel it slightly shaking, but your grip is strong. I can tell the position is not the most comfortable for you, but you leave it there, because it feels right. Your other hand is on my lap, and I take it and gently trace circles around it with my fingers.

I smile to myself. These hands of yours. They look so much more skilled without your gun. You have too much fun with that thing, Mell.
How can this softness, this smoothness, have killed dozens without showing hesitation? And the way you spin your revolver when you're done...Heh, like it's all child's play. It's always been that way for you.

I know you worry, and that worry eats you up sometimes, but it never stops you from acting. And don't deny that’s why you like to keep active. Some lazy afternoons, when I’d be crouched down on the carpet and fill the room with "vrooms" and "booms", eagerly pressing the buttons from my controller, you would walk around, read, go outside. I could feel the thoughts running through your head. You were afraid of moments like these, weren't you? Alone at night no one can save you from your thoughts.

.....................................................................................

Looking down into your goggles, I wish I could see your eyes. I'd never admit this to you, Matt, but during the obscurity of the night, when I'm left alone with myself, I take solace in your amber eyes… because I feel the soft expression from which you view me. Those eyes don’t let me see myself… How must it be to live your tinted reality?

During the uncertainty of the night, before going to bed. That's when you take them off. Your dishevelled self, everyday the same routine. You take them off, fold them neatly and leave them in the right-hand corner of your bedside table. "Why do you do that?" I asked once. "Habit, I guess," you responded, and then added "They're hard to break, Mell-kun."

I'd never admit my liking of that name. Never. Even when you mentioned that my face was getting brighter. I love that teasing, Matt. I love that name. It reminds me of when we were young, and we played together outside in the warm summer months. Normal things, like tag. I loved to get you outside and we'd chase each other. It was much better then watching you play your lousy video games. It meant a lot, having you by my side at Wammy's. I don't show it that well, maybe. But I think you suspect. Ha, Matt. You think I’m not intimidated by things... but I feel a lump in my throat. I can't admit to myself that I am. Nevertheless, you...

I remove my hand from your back and softly caress your face. With each stroke, your name is engraved in my skin. Matty...I hoped this wouldn't happen, even when I desired it to my fullest. Even when I begged it would. I hoped you wouldn't see that you are not only my conscience and my rock, but my weakness and stumbling stone.


And I'd give up forever to touch you,  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't want to go home right now


No. I would never admit…


You can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of the truth in your lies.

……………………………….......................................................................

Mello… these soft caresses to my face. You’ve always surprised me. I thought they would be slightly….abrasive. But your touch now only harms my soul.


Been looking forward to the future
But my eyesight is going bad
And this crystal ball
Is always cloudy except for
When you look into the past


Mello, you took away what I expected you to. You took away my dignity, sometimes, you took away my patience a few times, you took away my soul when you talked about killing and you took with you my heart when you looked into my eyes.

The latter I did not expect. We’ve been friends ever since we were young- When you were a privileged youngster at Wammy’s, there weren’t many people you could trust completely or count on.

They would be loyal to you until they found your weakness, or a way to prove you wrong, or an initiative to beat your next high score.

But me and you were together as friends. There was a kind of understated rule that permitted us to be together but not to divulge what was said to one another. You knew I would be there if you needed a favour. I knew that even though you'd give me a look that said “ I have more important things to do with my time”, you would always agree to help me out.

That specific day, you came into my room, raging. The anger you exuded was palpable.

“Matt,” you hissed. Raising an eyebrow, I looked directly at your feverish face. I knew better then to interrupt when you were in such a mood. You would soon tell me what this was about, anyway. Not that I needed much clue as to what; who…such dilemma was concerned with.

“Near did it again! That little albino freak got the best score!” you spat out, emphasizing the word “freak”.

“I was…5 marks off” you said with hatred in your voice. And not necessarily hatred for Near, either. All I wanted to do was come closer and hug you. Just take you in my arms and say “Don’t worry so much, stupid. You know I think your much better then Near. You’ll beat him, I’m sure. Everything is going to be…just fine”. At that moment I realized my pulse. It was racing. I remember my face going slightly red from this realization, because this hadn’t happened before. Not in this situation, anyway. I felt a slight wave of fear wash over me for a second. Could this be something bad? Could something be happening that, on the surface, I wasn’t aware of? Usually it was Mello who over-analysed these things. The fact that I was doing it now crept me out in the slightest.

Then the fear gave way to a surge of confusion. And I left it at that as I wanted to hear what you had to say. You would soon realize I wasn’t really paying attention to your words and I really didn’t want to tell you what was on my mind.

Now the same sensation invaded me. You know me as happy Matt, your friend Matt, your confidant Matt…when you're up to confessing, that is, which is not very often.

Now I was Matt… just Matt? I was a person, a palpable, carnal person driven by desire. I was another body hoping to be interlaced with yours. It was almost a bestial impulse, to reach out but also to stay this way for as long as we could, preserve the moment. Who knew if, or when, it would be repeated again?

No, I needed you now. I needed to feel the warmth of your hand on my back; I could feel the touch of your hand directly on my skin, even through the layers of leather from your gloves and cotton fabric of my shirt. Actually, I know that even if you were longing to touch me with your bare hands, you wouldn’t take them off. However much you would deny this if I asked, you knew leather made you look badass. Not that I complain.

Contrary to that, I concur. Maybe this was your way of staying fearless through something that I knew scared you more then holding a gun to someone’s head, then making a rapid life-altering decision.


Boom.


That day, when you came home with your newly found scars, you didn’t cry. You squinted in pain, but you never mentioned regret. I took care of you, and you let me. All for the sake of your health, was the apparent reason. Deep down, we both knew it wasn’t.


One night and one more time
Thanks for the memories


As I tilt my head up to meet your gaze, I see a trickily silent smile creeping into your face. Your head lowers, and your bangs cover your gorgeous blue eyes, creating a shadow that adds depth to your face.

It seems sinister, but were you doing this to make sure I couldn’t read you?
Always afraid of loosing power, are we, Mello?
A small smile crawls into my face also.

I am tangibly taken aback when you get up from your sitting position. We were so close…physically, at that moment. Your smile could mean you were going to move closer, but knowing you, the opposite could also be true.

But you did as I expected, you actually sought physical contact. I knew that you would never be anyone else’s bitch, ha, you’d always have to start the action yourself.

But what surprised me the most was that it wasn’t that you wanted something fleshly, you wanted to be with me… just like this. Just like me… was it my imagination, or did you need me too? Did you need me, Mello? Did you need your friend Matt, confidant Matt? Who did you need? I had just always been myself… I hoped that would be enough.

When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.


As you sat on my alert lap, the body heat of your thigh bordering mine made me kindle. You kept my gaze. Your eyes were soft with a burning fire behind them.
Abruptly, I feel almost paralysed. A twitch in my leg and a slight knot in my stomach as you come closer.

Your blonde bangs touch my forehead as you approach my ear. You have soft, feathery hair. For some reason that concept makes me smile. I know what your hair feels like now. Not many people can boast about that.
Nevertheless, I feel a warm sensation coat my body as I absorb your scent, your husky breath into my ear.

“You fool” you say.

I was startled. Once More, your hair removed itself from where it was touching my face, blinding my left eye. I wanted to grab on to it, take your head back. I was pining for it again, that soft, velvety contact, when you lowered your head to meet my eye level.

“I think…” you try to assert, with a slight quavering in your voice only I could realize you had.

My eyes widen slightly with anticipation. Your bangs again fall to your face creating that immaculate shadowing that makes you look so lovably sinister.

But now the contact is pulling a string in my soul. It puzzles me, makes me feel confused. The usually controlled me now…bemused. Your gaze met me eye to eye. Wide, in all its complexity, it seemed now so simple and pure. I feel the sudden hit of a reality check as you abruptly life my head up by pushing upwards at my neck from beneath my chin. Your smile covers half your mouth.

“You fool” you repeat, softer then before.

Suddenly, I am varnished with anticipation as you move in closer. Your aroma, the leather and the soft perfumed hair, overtake me. You're so close now I feel the warmth of your breath, in synch with mine.

“My fool” you utter, before resting both hands at my back and leaning closer, your lips touching mine in an explosive release of pent up anticipation; yet it was soft, as your hands gripped my back and mine held you by the waist. I was your fool, huh? You certainly have me under your influence now.

I can’t think as your lips slide down, and you gently bite my lower lip; when I feel your tongue trace through it as I hold you closer to myself.


I'd give up forever to touch you
….I just want you to know who I am


Your fool…

………………………………............................

My lips brush against yours as I part from the kiss we shared.
I feel I feverish with want, yet I also don't want to risk ruining the moment. I imagined it would be rugged, fast, bruising as I let out my anticipation.
But it was soft and tender. Your eyes glaze over me as if searching for something, and I feel you tugging me closer. Bringing up a gloved hand to your lips, you pull off your long, black glove with your mouth, and simultaneously it falls to the floor. It was a fast, yet not forceful motion as you tugged at it removing it from your hand completely.

Gently, your now bare fingers run through my hair.
“Mello” you say, almost in a whisper.

It was a way that I’d never heard you address me before. It was full of passion. “You taste nice." I almost laughed. I certainly did not expect that declaration at this moment , so it took me aback when I felt your lips colliding with mine again.

You run your tongue through the parting of my lips, and I form a small gap, providing you with an entrance. You slither your tongue in and search for mine, interlacing both as you explore the hidden depths of my mouth.

It felt wet and hot, but it was so nice to have you in this way.
I felt myself let out a small gasp as I felt you tugging my head back by the hand still intermingled within the strands of my hair.

You move closer down, taking my red rosary with your mouth, so that it drips from the corners of it like little pearls of blood. Sliding my hand down from the top of my neck, I feel each little bump until I reach your mouth and run my fingers through that also.

Your smile says it all as you draw me closer to you from a tug of the necklace.
As you breathe into my neck, I now take hold of the rosary myself. “Give me strength” I think. I don’t want you to see what effect you have on me, yet at the same time…


I'm gonna make you bend and break
(It sent you to me without wait)
Say a prayer but let the good times roll
In case God doesn't show...


I feel the warmth of your tongue travelling through the beginning of my scar, sending a small shiver down my spine. This area had become so sensitive.

I start to run my hands up from your back towards your hair, ruffling it up, grabbing at it with force to avoid making a sound.

I promptly hear the wet sounds of your kisses progressing up behind my ear.

“Mello…”

“ I am a fool. A fool for not trying this earlier”. I sense you smile, even if I can’t see it.

“Matt” I reciprocate with my breathy intermission.

Your hair falls to my neck as you kiss me on the shoulder.

“Yes”

“I…”

You obviously sense my difficulty in expressing myself, even though I tried hard to find the right way to phrase what I intended to say, because you suddenly remove your lips from my shoulder and put a silencing finger to my mine.

“Save it for later…” you smile.

Kissing my lips with yours, your tongue covers the length of my lips and then slips into my mouth, entwining with mine and dancing to the rhythm of my rapidly beating heartbeat.

Gently, while the kissing continues, I feel I’m being pushed down to the bed. But it wasn’t forceful; rather delicate, not coherent to the rhythm of the melodic kiss we were sharing.

If only you could read my thoughts now, Matt…

I didn’t protest, so you took that as an initiative to push me further until my back was touching the covers. Your body wasn’t touching mine tough. I felt it so close, but it was terribly far away from the proximity I sought…craved.

You rest a few inches above me, your hands by each side of my head. It’s only the upper part of you that lowers, your hair softly caressing the left side of my face.

“Your…fool” you say, open invitation.


Get me out of my mind
And get you out of those clothes


Suddenly I do what I was aching to and pull your body closer to mine, so that everything is touching except our faces. That soon changes as we melt into a kiss, your lips smacking against mine, my hands travelling up your back.

But I have a more delicious idea. I take you by the arms that lay either side of me and roll you around so that I’m on top.


I'm a liner away
From getting you into the mood


Your smile says it all.

“Typical.”
...
“You always want to be in charge…” you say, maintaining your stealthy smile.

If we weren’t in this position, things would have been very different. But because I’m filled with lust, I just say “Matt… shut up and kiss me, idiot”

Not wasting time, you obey my demand and rake your fingers through my hair as you glide your lips up biting mine tentatively.

With a lick of your lips, I slither mine down seductively towards the ending of your neck, and rest my hand on your chest. My other hand runs up your thigh, and I can sense that causes a small shiver, and, from down below, I could feel our pent up excitement touching.

I retrieve my hand to touch your face when we delve into another kiss. This time harder, more infuriating.

We pull apart just inches to recover breath, immediatley kissing again, my hand hard against your cheek, yours reaching for the zipper of my vest.

You pull the zipper down and the sound emanating from it just manages to make me feverish for more.

I slide it down quickly as you take a look at the abdomen you’d seen everyday when you took care of me after the incident.
I feel a sudden turn when you twist our bodies so that you are once more on top of me, every inch of you so fragrant with your scent, so delicate yet rugged, full of your sounds and your laughter, so…Matt. So full of lust.

Your tongue travels from my navel to where my scar ends.

“I wanted to do this every day I saw your bare torso, everyday I had to bandage it for you”, you say as you pose soft, sweet butterfly kisses on the lining leading up to my shoulder.

This took me by surprise. It seemed you thought of my scar as something…appealing. No, you liked it. Something beautiful… in a way. I had only ever seen it as a necessity. A mere sacrifice in order to beat Near, to be the best. I didn’t care what happened to me as long as I ended up defeating him…


Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive…


Suddenly you stop, leaving me hollow in a way.
But this gap is filled suddenly by you resting your head on my abdomen.


And all I can taste is this moment,
And all I can breathe is your life


I hadn’t really…experienced a feeling like this before. As you snuggle up to my chest, I take my hand and start soothing your hair back into place. Caressing it delicately. You looked almost… angelical. Was it me thinking these thoughts?

It reminded me of one night at Wammy’s, when you were having nightmares.
“Mello…” you quivered, frightened, “Can I sleep with you tonight?”
I was about to hiss “No way”, but when I saw how scared you were, I replied “Ok…for tonight,” instead. Seeing how complacently you slept by my side that night had me thinking: How had I caused this? You were feeling so insecure, so terrified…yet just by being close to me all those emotions disappeared and you could rest happily.

“Matt…”

“Hmm?” you responded, from your safe sanctuary, giving me a sweet peck on my midriff without even raising your head.

“I…I think I might…”

Your hand caresses my abdomen, your fingertips trailing up and down, in a comforting manner, as if to make it easier for me to say what I need to say.

“…love you” I whisper under my breath, almost inaudibly.

You raise your head from my now favourite position, I realize. My heart is tumbling, thumping hard.

Sitting me up from my laying position slowly, slowly. Looking directly into my eyes all the way. Once we were both aligned, your lips parted slightly…

“Mello… you always have to be first…”

“No. Matt…”

You just smiled.

“Don’t you?” you added.

“Matt you idiot!”

“… I love you.”

You lift my chin up slightly and give me a short, sweet kiss, before removing your lips from mine and taking them to my ear.

“I always have, Mell-kun.”

I feel a sudden nibbling on the top of my ear, and then the warmth of your breath against my ear again, this time almost in a whispering promise- “Always will”.


And I don't want the world to see me,
Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am


My fool…always.